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Justin Bieber, Jesse James and the Pope top this years, uh, yes, 2010, of unsexiest men

03. Apr, 2010 0 Comments

100) Justin Bieber
16 Will Get You 20
REASON(S) HE’S ON THE LIST There is nothing sexy about 16 year old boys. Say it with us, frustrated soccer moms of America: unless you’re a Catholic priest, there is nothing sexy about 16 year old boys. Holler at us, Island Records marketing department: if you’re over 18 and fantasizing about Justin Bieber even a little bit, you’re just as bad as those homely New England boarding-school teachers who always seem to end up riding the pimple-popper express. And that shit is illegal. Twenty-something mall skanks: it is not cute to Twitter that you’re “looking forward to tapping that.” Even if that 16-year-old boy looks like Taylor Swift’s little sister, has a pimp named Usher, and a manager named Scooter, that doesn’t make it okay to store shirtless jpegs of the boy in a hidden folder in your PC’s trash bin. No, no, no: you’re fucked up, America.

LOOKS LIKE What did we just say? Don’t look. Just don’t even fucking look.
99. Scott Brown
98. Brock Lesnar
97. Steven Tyler
96. Patriots mascot Robert Sormanti
95. Raaandy (or Aziz Ansari, I guess)
94. Tim Burton
93. Ahmed Karzai
92. Jeremy Piven
91. Ninja From Die Antwoord
90. Jason Reitman
89. Jim Allen
88. Shaun White
87. 3oh3
86. James O’Keefe
85. Wolf Blitzer
84. Joe Wilson
83. Mitt Romney
82. John Terry
81. John Ensign
80. Rush Limbaugh
79. Winnebago Man
78. Tom Cable
77. Brad Ferro
76. Michael Lohan
75. Hutaree Militiamen
74. Robert Pattinson
73. Bob Harper
72. Juan Pablo Montoya
71. Gary Coleman
70. Rex Ryan
69. Harvey Levin
68. John Travolta (Revolta, lol)
67. Bobby Moynihan
66. Sean Hannity
65. Luke Wilson (why are you doing this to me yourself, Luke?)
64. Conrad Murray
63. Don "Moose" Lewis
62. Mario Lopez
61. Mahmoud Ahmadinejad
60. Eric Massa
59. Tyler Perry
58. Frank Black
57. Jayson Williams
56. Owl City
55. Tom Sizemore
54. Tareq Salahi
53. Jon Gosselin
52. Tucker Max
51. Bill Clinton
50. James Crowley and Skip Gates
49. Gilbert Arenas
48. Jeff Dunham
47. Mel Gibson
46. Simon Monjack
45. Roman Polanski
44. Will.I.Am
43. Wes Anderson
42. Bear Grylls
41. Sammy Sosa
40. Pat Robertson
39. Kanye West
38. Guy Fieri
37. Lou Dobbs
36. Simon Van Kempen
35. Scott Disick
34. David Letterman
33. Kevin Garn
32. Glen "Big Baby" Davis
31. Artie Lange (nicknamed "Stabbie the Poke Man" , assholes)
30. Charlie Sheen
29. Richard Heene
28. Ryan Seacrest
27. Drake
26. Levi Johnston
25. Masturbating Guy on Chatroulette
24. Dick Cheney
23. Adam Lambert
22. Steven Seagal
21. Rahm Emanuel
20. Corey Feldman
19. Mark McGwire
18. Nick Jonas
17. Lil Wayne
16. Underwear Bomber Umar Farouk Abdulmutallab
15. James Cameron
14. Rod Blagojevich
13. Jake Pavelka
12. David Paterson
11. Ben Roethlisberger

10. The Pope
Vati-Sin City
REASON(S) HE’S ON THE LIST It’s not the outfit— for an 82-year-old German guy, he looks good in a dress. It’s not his opposition to gay marriage — although it is ironic that Benedict presides over the world’s largest gay bureaucracy. And it’s not even his opposition to birth control — although some of his faith find the Church’s ban in AIDS-riddled Africa unconscionable. Nope. The reason he’s on our list? God chose a pontiff who has done way too little way too late about the abuse scandals in Ireland, Germany, and Wisconsin, the latter of which involved up to 200 deaf boys.
LOOKS LIKE The Pope (or Mother Angelica)

9. Mark Sanford
Don’t Cry For Him, Argentina
REASON(S) HE’S ON THE LIST It’s like we’ve been telling you: Republicans have cheated and screwed the American people so royally these past eight years, they have to leave the country to get laid. Now that he’s been nabbed for going MIA from the governorship of South Carolina — for a thoughtful hike that turned into a South of the Border tryst with his Argentinean mistress — let’s hope this leathery crocodile of a conservative grows a hard-on for immigration reform. And Mark? Next time you decide to ditch your wife — not to mention the rest of South Carolina — to go play grab-ass in Buenos Aires, maybe leave a note?
LOOKS LIKE He bathes in Brylcreme

8. Jay Leno
Chin-dian Giver
REASON(S) HE MADE OUR LIST Lantern-jawed, unfunny late-night funnyman reneged on his agreement to leave his 11:35 TV gig peaceably, cockblocking Conan O’Brien.
LOOKS LIKE Richard Gere — after swallowing a Keebler Elf

7. Glenn Beck
Fascist and Furious
REASON(S) HE’S ON THE LIST Three parts hate and two parts crazybrains makes for a satanically entertaining and completely bat-shit-insane hour of television.
LOOKS LIKE A goose-stepping Fozzy Bear

6. Jesse James
Heil on Wheels
REASON(S) HE’S ON THE LIST Chopper customizer cheated on America’s sweetheart Sandra Bullock in a reported nearly year-long affair with an alleged white supremacist, foot-fetishist Suicide Girl–type stripper named Bombshell who has posed semi-nude in Nazi regalia.
LOOKS LIKE He secretly rides rice burners

5. John Mayer
Generic Clapton
REASON(S) HE’S ON THE LIST We weren’t surprised to hear that Mayer is a chronic masturbator. (Um, have you seen him play guitar?) But this white blues pretender also told Playboy he doesn’t date black women because his “dick is sort of like a white supremacist.”
LOOKS LIKE He could use a looser grip on the neck of his instrument

4. Kevin Smith
Frequent Fryer
REASON(S) HE’S ON THE LIST We know the airlines charged him for an extra seat, but we’re pretty sure it wasn’t just because he’s too fat. It’s also because no one wants to sit next to the guy who made Cop Out.
LOOKS LIKE Silent Bob, after eating Jay

3. John Edwards
Philanderer in Chief
REASON(S) HE’S ON THE LIST Brought comfort to his cancer-ridden wife by impregnating a campaign “aide,” then made a married pal take the fall for the love child. Thankfully, and tellingly, nobody’s even thinking of shopping this sex tape.
LOOKS LIKE A cross between John Denver and Kenneth the Page

2. Mike "The Situation" Sorrentino
Jean-Claude von Dutch
REASON(S) HE’S ON THE LIST This Dopey Dwarf–faced Jersey Shore star — we use the term “star” loosely — and self-described guido could be the world’s most inept ladies’ man. Armed with a six-pack, a remarkable ego, and a drawerful of Ed Hardy T’s, “The Situation” spent his fist-pumping summer “creepin’” among the drunk — nay, pickled— women permeating the Garden State’s riviera. Still, this butterface rarely closed the deal. The situation with his abs is nothing compared with the situation regarding his complete lack of game — and all the GTL and hair gel in the world can’t fix that.
LOOKS LIKE Squiggy on ’roids

1. Tiger Woods
Happy Drillmore
REASON(S) HE’S ON THE LIST Nike’s robotically perfect pitchman took that whole “Just Do It” slogan a smidge too literally— with virtually any hooker, cocktail waitress, golf groupie, substitute teacher, den mother, and rodeo clown within a chip shot of his 5-iron. Making matters worse, to repair his nuked image, he hired evil former Bush White House press secretary Ari Fleischer as his public-relations caddy.
LOOKS LIKE Mr. Always Has His Hat On could use some Rogaine
There aren’t pictures for 89 people. Use your imagination or go to the source. Or complain. It’s all good.
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